


it just feels like the movies

by gummyjennie



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Past Relationship(s), chaennie the angst community, ex-gfs still my brand, possible pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26031244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gummyjennie/pseuds/gummyjennie
Summary: chaeyoung has two choices.to try again or to stop completely.
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé, Park Chaeyoung | Rosé/Park Sooyoung | Joy
Comments: 7
Kudos: 64





	1. pandemonium of seasons

**Author's Note:**

> song playlist that i was listening while i wrote this:
> 
> clairo - closer to you  
> johnny stimson - flower  
> amine - mama  
> the band camino - less than i do  
> robyn - baby forgive me
> 
> enjoy! <3

chaeyoung keeps her head down as she passes swiftly through the busy streets of seoul, trying to make herself less noticeable as much as possible in the crowded sidewalks as she goes to the place where she’s supposed to meet a dear friend. a droplet of cold water lands on her arm, and she scolds herself for foregoing to bring an umbrella.

not that she doesn’t believe in weather forecasts, it’s just a habit that she’s trying to desperately break.

unexpected weathers can make unexpected situations happen.

moments later, drizzles of rain start to fall faster, and she pushes through the mass of bodies also rushing to find a shelter for the impending downpour. after minutes of sprinting, she finally sees the little cafe where a very dear friend is waiting on her phone.

chaeyoung admits that meeting jisoo once again made her a bit nervous. not that the older girl’s presence gives her the nerves, but it’s her feelings towards her unnie, to be specific.

the actress immediately spots her by the window, and stands up with a big smile on her face.

happiness is the only thing that floods in chaeyoung’s chest. it’s been a while since she saw jisoo, and she admits that she desperately misses the older girl’s caring and goofy personality.

“chaeng-ah! over here!” jisoo beckons her towards their table, and she approaches excitedly. she was about to hug her, but stops when she remembers that her coat is a bit damp from the rain. she takes it off in a jiffy, then jumps on the actress’s waiting arms.

she really missed jisoo.

“jichu unnie, i missed you so much.” she says a bit wetly, overwhelmed by the wave of nostalgia and love for the first sister she had in the industry.

“yah, are you crying?” she hears jisoo laugh, but still feels the gentle pat on her back. “there, there, don’t cry, okay?”

chaeyoung steps back from the hug and wipes the little tears forming at the corner of her eyes, “sorry, it’s just- it’s been a while, unnie.”

“i know, things have been so hectic ever since the hiatus, i haven’t gotten that much of a breather except for these past few weeks. good thing, video calls exist.” jisoo pulls back her chair and motions the younger singer to do the same. “so, how are you? i’ve heard things from lisa, but you know, i want to hear it from you.”

“i’ve been well,” chaeyoung answers earnestly, or as earnest as it gets. “i spent a lot of time with my family, with alice, with my friends. i’m doing good.”

the actress nods then gives a teasing smile, “i heard from a little birdie that you’ve been spending a lot of time with a certain actress from sm.”

“that’s lisa, right?” she releases a laugh when jisoo nods, “it’s just joy bringing me to random places, you know her unnie, she’s like a wild spirit.”

“are you guys-“ jisoo raises an eyebrow.

“no,” chaeyoung can’t help but shake her head at the idea. “you’re like lisa, unnie, so quick to say stuffs.”

the actress raises both her arms, “hey, lisa planted that idea in my head, i thought that was real at some point.”

“how about you, unnie? how are you doing?” chaeyoung quickly shifts the topic elsewhere, “congratulations to your successful drama, by the way. i’m proud of you.”

“thank you, chaeng-ah,” jisoo bashfully grins, “i’m doing really well. i’ve been doing these little adventure in the wild, trying out new foods, cooking recipes and learning how to knit.”

“jinja?” chaeyoung covers her mouth, trying to hide the laugh. “but, you knit horribly!”

“that’s why i’m learning, chaeng-ah.” the older girl playfully glares at the younger one, “but, really, i think i’ll drive jennie mad because i always get these small wounds from the needle. she’s a big worrywart.”

at the mention of jennie’s name, chaeyoung’s hand underneath the table tightens in habit, desperate to keep out the buried emotions at the back of her mind.

“she’s a bigger worrier than you, unnie.” she lets out, relieved that her voice didn’t crack.

“yeah, she is,” jisoo smiles without a thought. as if the thought jennie brings her happiness.

_oh, how lucky jisoo is_ , chaeyoung thoughts.

“jennie told me that she called you a week ago for us four to meet up, but you cancelled at the last minute.” jisoo pouts, “she said you got an emergency? what happened?”

“ah that,” chaeyoung tucks a stray hair behind her ear, “it’s just a thing i needed to fix at the company.”

what she really wanted to say is “ _she didn’t call me at all”,_ but she’s not going to do that.

“that’s a shame, lisa was really excited too,” the actress quips, “no matter, i arranged another day for us four to meet. i hope that you’re available on that day.”

chaeyoung really wants to say no, but she supposes that she’ll have to face jennie at some point, might as well as with other people. “okay, just tell me the date and i’ll clear out my schedule.”

the rest of the meeting goes smoothly as both ladies quickly fall back into their old banter and conversations. the light air of comfort brought chaeyoung out of the trepidation of meeting jennie again, and focused all her attention to the exciting anecdotes of jisoo’s experiences in the industry of acting. the night goes well for the both of them, except for the part where they’re about to go home.

“it’s raining really hard,” jisoo notes as they watch the rain pour heavily. “are you sure you don’t want to drive with us? jennie is a careful driver.”

chaeyoung is quick to decline, “it’s fine, unnie, i don’t want to be a bother.”

“then how are you getting home?”

“i’ll call another taxi-“

“you got declined thrice, chaeng,” the older girl deadpans, “we’ll give you a ride, it’s no bother at all.”

there’s this thing called miracle, and for chaeyoung, it comes as a form of a living person with the name, park sooyoung.

at the sound of her phone going off, she answers the call at first ring, anything to get her out of the situation that she definitely did not prepare at all.

“chaeyoung-ah, where are you? i’m picking you up.”

“you don’t need to, sooyoungie, i can get a taxi.” she waves jisoo’s playful look at the mention of joy’s name.

“i don’t think any taxi are going to say yes with the rain being this horrible,” she hears the actress sigh, “i told you to bring an umbrella too.”

“i know, i’m sorry.”

“send me the address, i’ll be going now.”

“drive safe, okay?” chaeyoung feels a bit guilty for making joy drive under the awful weather.

“don’t i always, princess?” she can practically hear the smirk from the other side.

chaeyoung sets her phone down, and an expectant stare from jisoo is clearly seen. “she’s picking me up, unnie.”

“so,” jisoo drawls, “what’s with you two?”

“what does that mean?”

“i mean, both of two have been attached to hip since the vacation-“

“you mean hiatus,”

“and really, it’s making me a bit curious,” the older girl gives a teasing grin, “do you like joy-ssi, perhaps?”

now, chaeyoung laughs at that. the fact that jisoo believes that she’ll try the whole love thing again after jennie is a bit ironic.

she supposes it’ll be funny for jisoo too if she knew what went down between her and jennie.

sadly, no one knew about their relationship.

not even lisa, whom chaeyoung tells everything.

_if they only knew how jennie broke my heart_.

so she settles for an answer that can maybe satisfy jisoo’s question, “i don’t know, maybe? or maybe not?”

“i knew it,” jisoo bumps her shoulder against the taller girl. she was about to ask chaeyoung another question, but sees a sleek black car rounding the street. “that’s jendeukie, by the corner. you should come by our place, sometime. i can make a really mean cheese filled pepper.”

_our place,_ she laughs sardonically inside her head. _really, jisoo,_ _what do you have that i don’t?_

“i’ll try, unnie,” she gives a tight smile, a familiar feeling starting to settle at the pit of her chest. “i hear lisa passes often by your place.”

jisoo scoffs, but the adoration for their youngest member still present behind her eyes, “she only goes there for the food, i’m sure she told you about that.”

“she did last week,” chaeyoung laughs, as she turns to her left and sights joy’s red car. “that’s my ride, unnie.”

she gives a quick hug to jisoo, and swiftly walks out of the shelter, not minding the actress’s words about ‘greeting jennie quickly’. the combination of the cold wind and the heavy pour of the rain brings chaeyoung a momentary peace from the stirring chaos rising from the deepest parts in her.

_what does she have that i don’t?_

it’s been a while since self loathing has visited chaeyoung. the torpedo of hate and insecurity easily ruining the bricks of confidence and assurance that she made in the last five months. it’s hilarious to think that she told herself weeks ago by the mirror that she’s done with it. that she’s okay, she’s well, and she’s moved on.

she’s okay.

what a joke.

she’s a joke.

easily broken down into this just by the mention of _her_ name.

biggest joke.

a presence of warmth tugs her out from the unpleasant reverie.

“sooyoung-ah, what are-“

“i told you to wait for me, didn’t i?” she hears joy mumbles against her damp hair, “you never really listen do you?”

a thud in her chest slightly trips chaeyoung off as she only now notices how the taller actress has one arm around her, and the other holding an umbrella above them. she pushes joy gently, and thankfully, the girl doesn’t resist. “you’ll get wet.”

“it’s okay,” the gentle curve of the actress’s lips makes her look away. “let’s get you home, you kind of stink.”

“you’re mean to me today. why?”

“maybe, i kind of missed it. or maybe i wanted to make you smile for a bit.”

“does this look like i’m smiling?” she points to her face where she def- oh, she _is_ smiling.

“am i great or too great?” joy teasingly asks as she easily slips her fingers with the younger singer.

_sooyoung-ah, you’re becoming too warm these days._

~

jennie doesn’t take her eyes away from the adoring smile she used to receive.

but she sure jumps at the sound of jisoo knocking the passenger side.

“you could’ve picked me up like joy did to chaengie, jendeuk,” jisoo huffs as she closes the umbrella then the door.

she turns her gaze to jisoo, “i know you can handle the rain.”

“she looks happy,” jisoo says after a few moments, both of them watching as joy opens the door for chaeyoung. “chaeyoung, i mean.”

“really?” jennie mumbles absently, _did you see it in her eyes? because it’s hard to read rosie._

“yeah, i mean, you saw the way she smiled when joy came with the umbrella on, right?” she hears the actress point out, “that’s what a girlfriend does, jendeukie, they pick up their girlfriends under the pouring rain.”

jennie strays her gaze away from the red car then to jisoo, “does me not doing the same make me a bad girlfriend?”

“i want to say yes, but your dalgomie eyes are too powerful,” jisoo huffs and gives her a kiss by the cheek. “you’re not a bad girlfriend, jennie, in fact, you’re the best. especially after we get take out from the place where they sell the best chicken wings.”

“ah, is that so?” she starts to turn the wheel towards her girlfriend’s favorite diner. “i think you’ll be the bestest girlfriend if you pay for my milkshake too.”

jisoo opens her mouth, then grins, “okay, i walked in on that one. let’s go get my favorite wings and milkshake for my favorite girlfriend!”

there are only three things that are running though jennie’s mind.

one, she hates that she has to get her car washed again due to the rain.

two, jisoo smells like chaeyoung’s favorite perfume.

and three, the last stare that chaeyoung gave to joy.

_that look_ _is the same one she used to give me when she thought i wasn’t looking at her_.

jennie stops her mind from running. she isn't supposed to do this. she isn't supposed to be thinking about chaeyoung. the owner of the heart that she first broke. she's not supposed to be thinking about her when she's with jisoo.

_but, why is it so hard to shrug off that look chaeyoung had with joy?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg guys I'm back T.T
> 
> ok if anyone can remember, this isn't the one shot i promised to post, bc the one shot i was crying to a few months ago got deleted T.T it was on my old laptop and i really thought i had that shit saved in my iCloud and?? it didn't lmao I'm so devastated
> 
> anyway, new one!! i'll divide this into three or four parts. mostly in chaeyoung's perspective, but maybe i'll add jennie and joy's, let's see (eye emoji)
> 
> geez i missed writing omg i got so busy in uni like what the hell guys, don't go to grad school go have fun and shit !!  
> next chapter will be up when i finish this week's exams cause like girl?? it's so many i wanna die lol jk
> 
> drop your reactions / comments / problems below!!
> 
> have a nice day <3


	2. pipe dreams and courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder that this is a work of fiction and it is NOT related to the reality that we're ll living in.

“so, manager oppa just called me and guess what?” joy plops in front of chaeyoung’s front, an excited grin spreading across her lips.

“you’ll finally drop by irene unnie’s apartment to help her finish your laundry that you just left at her place?” chaeyoung leans back in her office chair, letting haetnim snuggle at her.

the actress snorts, “me? doing laundry? since when?”

“last few weeks ago, remember? you also did mine.” she watches as joy pulls a chair behind her and sits with a serious expression on her face.

“that wasn’t me, chaeng-ah,” joy pretends to pat the brunette’s head, “do you see things that others don’t? you can totally be honest with me, you know?”

“shut up, i caught you folding my pajamas,” the singer slaps the giant hand away from her head, only for joy to slip her fingers with hers. “your moves are very old school, by the way.”

“doesn’t mean that it’s not working,” the actress gives a teasing smirk as chaeyoung rolls her eyes. “and your answer was wrong, so guess more.”

chaeyoung hums in thought, “you’ll treat your family on an expensive dinner and splurge them with gifts?”

“yes, but it’s more at the afternoon part.” joy explains as she plays with the musician’s hand, “you’re getting calluses again.”

“you’ll take haetnimmie on a walk to the park?” she tries again, and when she sees the older shake her head, she resigns. “what is it, sooyoungie?”

“we’re going out on a aquarium date!” joy excitedly threw her arms out along with chaeyoung’s right hand. “and after that, we’ll visit my family again.”

_aquarium date? in public? a date?_

chaeyoung gently removes her hand from the older girl who pouts right after, “sooyoungie, are you sure it’s okay to go out? i thought manager oppa limited your adventure days ever since that coffee fiasco.”

“it’s fine, i already explained to him that i just calmly talked down the scumbag who catcalled you.” joy assures the musician, but the latter doesn’t seem sure at all. “hey, it’s fine, i promise. i won’t throw any drinks on someone’s head ever again.”

truth to be told, chaeyoung is unsure of how to deal with the situation presented to her right now. ever since what happened a week ago under the rain, she started seeing the actress in a new light, which scares her more than she'd like to admit. it doesn't help her case at all when she starts to get jumpy when joy tries to hold her hand, or she suddenly gets all tongue tied when joy gives her this specific look after she lets her hear a snippet of a new song, or she starts to conjure up images of 'what ifs' in her head. 

(the last one terrifies chaeyoung the most.)

so yes, her situation is messy and complicated and she's terrified of falling again.

she doesn't think that she could risk again of being hurt. not when the hurt still throbs and bleeds and-

she's not doing it again.

even if she knows that joy isn't jennie.

“look, sooyoung-ah, i don’t think that it’s a good idea for us to go out again.” chaeyoung says after a few moments of silence.

joy doesn’t say anything for a while, but the glint of hurt in her eyes doesn’t escape the musician’s sight. “this isn’t because of a certain someone, right?”

chaeyoung was about to answer when her phone suddenly rings, she brings up a finger and walks over to the electric keyboard where her phone is placed, and answers after two rings. upon answering, she hears the old tune of mario kart and lisa’s protests on the phone.

“hello?”

“ _yah, changie!_ ” a loud voice greets her, “ _it’s jisoo unnie! i’m here at manobal’s apartment with jennie, you should drop by!_ ”

“i’m a bit busy at the studio, unnie. maybe next time?” chaeyoung easily lies, still uncomfortable with breathing the same air as her ex.

“ _aw, that’s too bad._ ” jisoo tells her, already knowing the older girl’s pout behind the phone. “ _well, the dinner date is next week, think you can make a space for your unnies?_ ”

nervousness thrashes chaeyoung’s chest, she already lied about today, and if she lied again, jisoo might get suspicious. with a heavy heart, she replies, “sure, unnie, just text me the details.”

“ _alright, see you next week, chaeyoung-ah!_ ”

she puts down the phone and faces the actress, who is clearly waiting for an answer. her grip tightens behind her back, and really, she can’t blame anybody but herself for the mess that she got herself into.

“since when?” she prays for a different answer from joy, but sadly, the universe hasn’t been kind to her lately.

“does it matter?” joy answers back, but seeing the look on chaeyoung’s weakens her resolve. “i know that you’re aware that i like you more than as a friend, chaeyoung-ah. and i meant what i said a year ago that i can wait.”

chaeyoung wants to say that joy shouldn’t, that she’s better off with others who aren’t still hung up on their ex, that she’ll be happier with someone who isn’t _her,_ but before she could say anything, the actress cuts her off.

“well, since i can’t be with you for tomorrow, can i at least take you out of this awful studio that you’ve been holed up, for what? five hours?”

_twelve_ , chaeyoung thoughts, but doesn’t dare to say anything in fear of getting scolded by the actress. “did you bring anything to cover up? your fans might recognize you.”

joy laughs, “you act like i’m the only one famous here when you’ve got a bigger fanbase than mine.”

“yeah, but they’re not rabid fanboys unlike yours.” she jokes back after picking up her scarf at her bag, and strides over to the actress. “can you please stand?”

“will you give me a kiss if i did?” joy cheekily asks, her insides melting a bit when the musician’s cheeks flushes with pink.

chaeyoung chooses not to answer, her heart starting to beat erratically when the actress stands a little bit too close. regardless, she still wraps the thick cloth on the taller girl’s neck. all while, she can feel joy’s heavy gaze at her, which doesn’t really lessen the heat in her face. she hurriedly finishes her task, already regretting why she even did this in the first place, when the actress could’ve easily done it.

she was about to step away, when the actress’s left arm wraps around her waist, and pulls her closer.

“y-yah, sooyoung-ah, let go.” she curses herself for stammering, and when she looks at the teasing expression on the actress's face, she has the sudden urge to punch joy’s perfect set of teeth.

“thank you for the scarf, chaeyoung-ah,” joy leans her forehead to the musician’s, “now, can we go on a date?”

the actress's close presence isn't good for chaeyoung, personally. it's like she's short circuiting in front of her crush, as kids would say. she tries to look away from joy's gaze filled with obvious admiration, and she can't help but think of how long will joy continue to look at her this way?

_certainly, not very long._

jennie used to look at her this way too.

eyes that was filled with love and happiness and admiration and everything that will make you feel like you're flying freely.

_until she didn't._

_( ~~does jisoo feel the same way too?~~ )_

"hey," joy softly bumps her head, bringing her back again for the umpteenth time. "lost you there for a second, you okay?"

chaeyoung nods her head, "yeah, are you ready to go?"

if the actress notices anything wrong, she didn't try saying it out loud. rather, she easily slips her fingers with the musician's, hoping the blankness underneath the irises will fade away. she motions her dog to follow them as chaeyoung picks up her purse, and opens the door out of the studio. together, they walk out of the building with their hands clasped, and towards the actress's car.

joy unclasps her hand from chaeyoung's and opens the passenger door for her. she closes it after haetnim jumps on the musician's lap, and circles around to open her side. as she drives out of the parking lot, she takes a quick look at the brunette, who raises an eyebrow at her in return.

"are you falling for me, sooyoungie?" chaeyoung teases, the corner of her eyes crinkle with delight.

_dummy, i already did_ _._

"yeah, what are you going to do about it? catch me?" joy laughs, even though the dread of knowing the answer fills her up.

"and if i did? then what?"

truthfully, joy isn't expecting that answer at all. she was already accustomed to chaeyoung often evading the topic of them being together, and yes, at first, it hurt her a lot. but when she found out, or at least deduced what happened on the musician's last relationship, she knew what should be done, and that's being patient. clearly, something unpleasant happened that made chaeyoung wary of anything related to romance, so if being patient can help her chances, then that's what she'll do.

but this?

the fact that chaeyoung thought about it brings joy in a whole another level of hopefulness and happiness.

"then, i'll try my hardest everyday making you feel loved and happy."

_but, until when?_ chaeyoung wants to ask, but stops herself. instead, she asks, "so, what are we getting for tonight?"

again, the good thing about joy is that she isn't jennie.

the bad thing is that she's still chaeyoung. she's still the same person that jennie fell in love with, until she stopped.

so, whatever made jennie stop, it's still with her.

jennie leaving doesn't magically make the _thing_ about her leave too. and as much as she's dying to know what was in her that made jennie leave, she also doesn't want to know because she's afraid of hating herself.

she knows how much of a destruction can bring if one starts to hate oneself, and chaeyoung isn't too keen with experiencing that again. she's been over that since trainee days.

and ironically, jennie was also the one who helped her during those tough moments.

chaeyoung hopes she can find the courage in herself to seek out jennie's reasons for leaving.

she hopes that she's strong enough to handle it.

because god knows how much she needs every bit of strength to get past it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this doesn't contain any chaennie moments, but this filler is very much needed for future chapters. plus, we've got the front row seat of how chaeyoung's mind works after the break up.
> 
> note: this is a post hiatus of bp, so it means, they're all aged up and focusing on their own activities now.
> 
> next chapter we'll finally be seeing ot4, though it might not be pleasant as it used to be. but still ot4. and chaennie hopefully comes up, but friendly reminder that this is angst, so, no fluff :D
> 
> p.s. isn't joy a total charmer?
> 
> anyway, comment for any cons criticism, or dabbles, or protest, or anything at all.  
> ily guys, keep safe <3
> 
> (so sorry if i keep updating late T_T)


	3. grapes and vulnerability

for the entirety of ten plus years friendship with lisa, chaeyoung has never felt this nervous as she stands outside of her best friend’s apartment. she has been in the vicinity probably more than her own apartment, and that says something. she considers lisa’s place almost like her third home.

(first, her parents’ house in australia and second, her own studio)

her nerves were all jumbled up on the inside as she waits for whoever is going to open the door to her. she’d open it of course, but when her mom found out that she’d be visiting her members, she insisted that she’d bring some presents for her quote unquote, “favourite ladies”. so, with both her hands occupied with four huge paper bags filled with her mom’s gifts and lisa’s groceries that she’d picked up from the way here, she honestly feels her arms straining at this point.

when the door opens, she’s thankful she didn’t fall with the weight that she’s carrying as lisa jumps on her.

  
“CHAEYOUNG-AH! I MISSED YOU!” the over energized dancer shouts in her ear.

“i missed you too, but a little help please?” chaeyoung slightly winces at the weight on her left, “you didn’t think to inform me that you had three bags of groceries?”

lisa takes the other bag, a sheepish smile on her lips, “sorry, i thought joy was coming and she’d help you out, cause you know.”

“oh shut up,” chaeyoung snorts at lisa wriggling her brows, “and no, i drove myself here. she had a schedule to attend to.”

she steps inside and was immediately greeted by two cats, louis and leo, already crowding her legs. she coos at them before hearing another greeting from the kitchen.

“chaengie! you’re here!” jisoo hurriedly helps her with the remaining bags and places it on the wide sofa. “what’s with all of these?”

“my mom sent those, you know how she is,” chaeyoung laughs, and leans down to give louis a kiss. “you’re making them fat again, lisa.”

“they are not! i have them on diet,” she hears the thai, walking towards the kitchen with her supplies.

she picks up the grey cat and snuggles it as she strides to the area where lisa is. “yeah, since when?”

“since yesterday,” lisa mumbles, then groans when the aussie laughs. “you don’t know how cranky they get when i limit their food.”

“that’s because you spoil them too much,” chaeyoung raises louis slightly, then gives another kiss on the head. “so, who will be cooking?”

“jennie unnie, of course.” lisa simply says. “she practically announced that i should be out of the kitchen as soon as they stepped in here.”

chaeyoung lets down the grey cat, heart beating rapidly due to- she doesn’t know. perhaps from excitement? or nervousness? truth to be told, she hasn’t seen her ex since they sat down in the company’s big office and decided that a hiatus was very much needed along with the senior managers. after that, she took the opportunity to finally let herself feel about their break up that happened months ago. chaeyoung couldn’t find the time to process everything as they were in the middle of world tour and promotions for the third album when they broke up, hence, she pushed it back until she found the perfect time.

and she did.

she still is.

almost a year after the break up, and here she is, still nursing her broken heart.

she never tried to seek jennie, and obviously, the older girl did the same too. and really, she doesn’t know if she should be glad or hurt that jennie didn’t reach out to her after the hiatus.

maybe both.

so right now, she isn’t sure of what reaction would she emit. she should be cordial, right? or should she act like nothing ever happened between them? or she should just follow whatever jennie’s action towards her?

 _no_ , she thoughts, _i followed her back then, and look where it got me_.

she didn’t have much time to argue with herself when she feels the presence of jennie behind her.

“lisa-yah, did you take out the meat i texted you earlier?” she hears the older girl ask the girl beside her.

“i did, unnie, it’s in the blue plate by the sink.” lisa answers as she organises the groceries by their cabinets.

“okay, i should start since chae-“ chaeyoung turns and sees the older girl’s steps faltering. “chaeyoung-ah, you’re here.”

the soloist thinks the air got knocked out of her chest in a snap, because her first love is absolutely breathtaking, even in casual clothes. besides her hair getting longer, jennie still looks like the girl she fell in love three years ago.

how is it that she changed so much without changing anything at all?

chaeyoung tightens her grip on the kitchen counter behind her as the overwhelming need to hug her washes over her. she knows that she’ll break if she gives in to the sweet temptation of returning to the place where she found her solace.

and while, she might feel a whole lot of lost these couple of months, she’s not that weak.

she’s not _desperate_ enough to go back into jennie’s arms again.

no matter how much she wants to, she can’t.

because jennie already found her home in someone else’s.

“yeah, i arrived a few minutes ago,” chaeyoung offers a small smile, careful not to let any emotion slip past her. she notes that the older girl’s fingers fidget slightly before hiding it behind the paper bag on the table, but she doesn’t dwell on it. she stopped reading jennie’s actions a long time ago when she stopped making sense. she learned not to push anymore, because you’ll get pushed back even further.

“how are you, unnie?” she asks after a beat of silence passes by. she wonders if lisa has noticed that she hasn’t moved since the older girl stepped in the room.

“i’ve been well, busy with endorsements and stuffs,” jennie answers, then stares at chaeyoung straight to the eyes. “and you?”

she averts her gaze to the grey cat pawing at her pants, “i’m doing good.”

and that’s that.

she doesn’t know what to ask more since they are technically on non-speaking terms. it’s not like chaeyoung can also ask, “ _so, what did i do wrong for you to fall out of love with me?_ ”, because first, lisa is in the hearing range of their conversation, and second, she isn’t sure if jennie can answer honestly. not that she expects her too, but she really doesn’t know jennie anymore.

thankfully, jisoo emerges from the living room, and looks at the both of them then laughs. “jinja? are you both shy right now? to each other?”

“yeah, it’s like the days where you both sneak out of the practice room to mess in the studio didn’t happen.” lisa quips from the sides, then walks at her side and places an arm around her shoulder. “loosen up, guys!”

chaeyoung laughs, trying to suppress the memories of them in the studio, stealing kisses while singing songs. her heart aches again. “sorry, it’s been a while with all of us together again.”

“don’t worry rosé-ah, we know you’re working hard. just don’t forget to take care of yourself, okay?” jisoo walks over her and puts an arm around her other shoulder.

“group hug!” lisa shouts, and chaeyoung notices jennie hesitate before walking towards them to join the group hug.

being in close proximity with the older girl didn’t help chaeyoung’s erratic heartbeat at all. if it’s possible, she may just have self-diagnosed herself having tachycardia due to the spontaneous thumping against her ribcage. luckily, jennie didn’t seem to touch her skin at all, so she counts that as a win. 

after the group hug, lisa complained of being hungry, and that pretty much set the mood. chaeyoung was in charge in making the salad, jisoo in the dessert, jennie with their main course, and lisa setting the tables. they worked together in perfect harmony, or as perfect it may be due to lisa and jisoo’s small banters, and jennie shushing them when their voices are louder than the music that they played. other times, it’s just her and lisa doing the most of the chatting. 

it almost feels like home.

almost.

  
“so i was wandering around germany, and then guess who i saw,” lisa pauses for dramatic effect, and jisoo rolls her eyes subtly, though a curve in her lips can be seen. “it’s seulgi unnie! i was so shocked that i shouted her name and then her eyes are just like- got big- then she shouted my name too and we just ran crazily to one another.“

chaeyoung laughs at the dancer’s overly excited hand signs, “you did that in the middle of the street?”

“yeah, we did!” lisa grins widely, “after that, we just hung out all day. it was so much fun, i kept wishing that you were there with me.”

she shakes her head, and sips her wine, “yeah, i wished that too, but promotions were a bit crazy during that time.”

“psy-nim’s company treats you okay, chaeng?” jisoo asks her before she chomps her chips.

“yeah, they do. it’s like i’m psy-nim’s niece when i’m at the company.” chaeyoung leans back further in the hammock.

“well, we’re just happy that you’re happy chaeyoungie,” the oldest gives her a warm smile, and she pretends that she doesn’t see jisoo curling her hand with jennie’s.

“thank you, unnie. i’m very happy right now.”

lying never tasted so bitter in her lips.

  
they just finished dinner, and are now lounging at lisa’s wide veranda with a couple bottles of wine in the small table. lisa was seated beside her, while the two unnies were seated in front of them. they were exchanging stories of what happened for the last year since the start of their hiatus, and honestly, chaeyoung is having fun. but you know what they say, it’s all fun and games until they ask the hard questions.

“so, chaeng-ah, how about you? tell us about joy,” jisoo smirks, a teasing glint in beneath her dark eyes.

“oh~ rosie posie drop your tidbits,” lisa urges the actress’s antics, causing the soloist to blush pink.

“there’s nothing to tell, really.” chaeyoung feels her cheeks burn even more at jisoo and lisa laughing their asses more. “you guys are always like this, jennie unnie, help me out.”

 _maybe it’s the wine_ , she thinks. it’s the first time she directly conversed with jennie, and she clearly saw the surprise of the older girl, but quickly hid it with a laugh.

“yah, stop it, girls. chaeng will tell us if she’s comfortable with it.” the chanel ambassador reprimands the silly duo, then shifts her gaze to chaeyoung’s. “won’t you, _rosie_?”

something about jennie’s eyes will never fail to make her vulnerable. maybe it’s the contrasting qualities of it; the sharpness of her gaze yet the softness beneath those irises, or maybe it’s just the way jennie has this gaze that’s only for her. all for chaeyoung.

or maybe it’s the way jennie says her name.

she’s the first one to break the stare, turning her head to the twinkling lights of seoul, trying to calm the beating of her heart. she thinks it isn’t fair that jennie still gets to have this effect on her. like she never left chaeyoung all those years ago. like she’s still hers. 

it makes her so angry, yet so sad.

it seems like she’s not completely over jennie.

“of course, unnie,” chaeyoung says, quickly shifting her gaze to her members, “but right now, there’s really nothing to tell.”

“you can tell us about the day where you both went to paris on valentine’s day.” lisa leans forward and pours her another glass of wine.

she leers at her best friend, as the other cheekily passes her the expensive wine glass. “yah, lalisa-“

“oh, i remember that! we were there too, right, jendeukie?” jisoo tugs her girlfriend’s hand, while the latter empties her glass. “you didn’t call us, chaeyoung-ah, we could’ve met up.”

chaeyoung refuses to stare at the person across her, “i was there to support anthony’s new line up, and joy just happened to be there for a shoot with burberry too.” she decides to tell the half truth; she really did come to paris to support her dearest friend, and to return an antique item that jennie gave her for christmas when they were together.

it was a music box, but the rare item is the notes inside it. jennie composed the notes, and had it custom made in paris. and since it only works with the music box, chaeyoung decided to keep the notes, and to return the box. 

it was one of the most precious gifts that she’d had to give up, but at that time, she was desperate to remove any traces of jennie in her life. 

even if she never gets to hear jennie’s composition for her ever again.

“and besides,” she drinks a mouthful of liquid to ease the burn in her chest, “it’s valentine’s day. why would i ruin a couple’s day with my single self?” she laughs jokingly, though the self depreciation is eating her inside.

jisoo scoffs her statement away, “come on, chaengie, since when did we made you feel like a third wheel?”

chaeyoung pretends to contemplate, she doesn’t want to admit to her unnie that she tends to avoid moments where the three of them had to be left alone together. “never.”

“exactly, let’s cheers to that.” jisoo clinks her glass with the soloist before downing it completely.

“okay, don’t tell yeri that i said this but,” lisa suddenly places her hand on chaeyoung’s shoulder, “joy has romantic feelings for you.”

“daebak! i knew it!” jisoo squeals, and turns to jennie. “yah, jendeuk, i told you so! i told you so!”

“i was surprised also, i mean i always teased her whenever we meet up, but her admitting it to yeri? wow.” lisa crosses her and stares at chaeyoung’s pink cheeks. “so?”

“‘so’?” she focuses her gaze on lisa, and not on the burning gaze from a certain somebody.

“what are you going to do about it?” the thai asks her, an unfamiliar glint present in her eye.

chaeyoung shrugs, she doesn’t want to tell them that she already knew about older woman’s interest on her. “if it’s true, then, i don’t know.”

now, that is true. she really doesn’t want to hurt joy, even if she just started having feelings for the older girl. but she can’t enter another relationship without fixing herself first. that she knows. joy is a good person, and she doesn’t deserve someone who hasn’t healed from the past yet.

joy deserves better. 

“why? are you scared?” jisoo asks.

a beat of silence.

“yeah, i guess am, unnie.”

  
lisa was taken aback by chaeyoung’s response. she had always known that the vocalist was brave in all aspects, but hearing her sound so _small_ just tugs her heartstrings. now she isn’t stupid, she knows that something is up with rosé over the past few months, but she didn’t want to push her into saying it. she knows that she’ll come to her at her own pace.

but right now, she couldn’t be anymore right _and_ wrong. 

something is up, alright, and it looks like chaeyoung is _not_ going to tell her anytime soon.

she stares at her best friend, her expression was hard to read, and that's coming from someone who's been friends with her for over a decade. she gives jisoo a look that clearly says ‘drop it’, and thankfully, the oldest understood.

lisa then decides that she’ll have to force it out of chaeyoung. even if they end up fighting, she has to know. she’s been nonchalant enough about rosé being too secretive ever since their world tour, and trusted her about opening it up to her. but it’s clear that she has no plans of telling her problems to anyone. 

and yeah, lisa is a bit hurt that chaeyoung didn’t try to even confide in her, but she decides to let it go for now. her best friend needs her, and she’ll be damned if she ignores it again.

  
jennie tightens her grip on the cushion beneath her, the guilt inside her chest growing larger day by day. she needs to fix _this_.

but how can she?

she doesn’t even know where to begin.

how do you explain to the love of your life that you left her because you got too afraid? that you chose safety over _her_?

sometimes, jennie just hates herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for the late update T_T uni got so busy and yk, it's hard ok T_T
> 
> so! yeah, still no fluff, i'm so sorry but you decided to read this story, and this is angst lololol. i hereby promise to make it up to yall by the end of the year.
> 
> this is inspired by blood orange's whole album, negro swan, idk why it's literally laced with crack.
> 
> comment your thoughts! again, criticisms are welcome as long as you're not mean about it <3
> 
> have a great day and stay safe!


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